'Tis the Season!
John's 12 Tips of Deer Season...Fa la laa la laa la laa la laaaaa!
From your Friendly Deer Processor!
1. First spend as much money as you can on the best deer stand, best hunting grounds, four wheeler, newest camo, gun, ammo, boots, tracking devices, field surveillance cameras, scent, and whatever new thing they've come up with this year, so you can complain to the processor about the costs of getting actual meat out of your winning kill. Because all of those other things are much more important than what's for dinner.
2. Now that you've spent all of your money, don't forget to max out the credit cards on the taxidermist who will be more than happy to upset your wife over the next biggest mount to add to the collection on the living room wall, that has now spilled over into the dining room, bedrooms, and moving closer to the bathroom.
3. So, you have everything you need to go out on the first big day. Make sure you shoot at anything that moves. If it is not a deer, there is always a good chance it might be a family member or the neighbor's family pet that nobody really likes anyway.
4. When you finally see what you think might be a deer, be sure unload all the ammo you have left into it ensuring at least one good gut shot to burst all the entrails. We love gut shot deer here. It makes our job much easier! And the aroma is so very appealing.
5. Now that you've gut shot the deer, don't worry with washing it out, as the feces tends to improve the flavor of wild game meat. Besides, the processor will be seriously disappointed if you bring in a clean one.
6. Be sure to cut the tendons on the back legs, so your processor has no way of properly hanging your deer in the cooler.
7. Be sure to pull the dorsel glands off the hind legs so the hide will dry nicely to the hock making it difficult to skin. Our guys don't work hard enough with the typical 20 hour days, so this will make them earn their keep and allow them the opportunity to get a good blood sample when they slice their fingers trying to remove the hide.
8. If you decide to allow your cousin's brother's nephew's son to practice skinning on your winning prize, be sure to roll it around the dirt, leaves and pine needles as much as possible. The aroma of pine will give that "Christmas Spirit" feeling throughout your home. Now that it's good and dirty, hang the skinned deer in the tier poles low enough that critters or the neighbor's family pet can chew on it during the long cold night. Once you're ready to finally drop by your friendly processor make sure you wrap it in scented garbage bags, as that lovely floral fragrance will be an excellent flavoring for the meats.
9. Now load it into your wife's car, be sure to throw it in the trunk or over the radiator, so it will get plenty of heat and/or create a nice bug shield for the car hood. This will definitely show everyone that you really got the "big one".
10.Don't worry with legally calling in your deer BEFORE you arrive at the processor. We love to drop what we're doing while you're tying up our phones and holding up the drop off line. Be sure to pass this along to your buddies so we can be sure to have several of you in the same line doing the same thing.
11.Or better yet, go home, clean up, go out to eat, drop by your son's football game, take him out for a bite to eat when the game is over, wait 'til you are certain your processor is finally fast asleep after being up 48hrs straight and then give him a ring that you have a deer that must be in the cooler now! Or even better yet, just show up, ring the bell and wake up everyone in entire house. He has nothing better to do anyway. Sleep is not really neccessary anyway, right?
12.Besides, you're sure he has a few hundred hanging around anyway. So make sure he gives yours first priority. All deer processors love staying up into the wee hours of the morning skinning deer just to take a quick 15 min nap before starting it all over again the next day.
OR
Wait until 5 mins before closing, give him a call to tell him you're on your way and then repeat steps 8 - 12! While he waits.
